One of my areas of growth over my life and ministry career that still continues to a degree is the need to grow a thicker skin. While this is something I value and strive for, I have often struggled with the phrase. Of course, the intention is generally good; the idea is to find a way to have less stuff bother you and to have stuff bother you less.
Having a thick skin is essential to any leadership position, but sadly, perhaps especially so in ministry. Over the years, I have had many people encourage me to “toughen up,” “grow some feathers,” or “get a thicker skin” in both kind and unkind ways. Sometimes it would come up in the heat of the moment, other times it would come up in an evaluation, and yet sometimes it would come up as an excuse for bad behavior.
As I have reflected on this, especially in light of the many stories of my ministry career and the ministry careers of other leaders, I am convinced that continued growth in this area for many is an important part of leadership, but also that it has become an unhealthy excuse for bad behavior and the prevention of healthy boundaries by those who lead.
Ironically, I have found that we excuse nasty comments and bad behavior toward one another, pastors, staff and other leaders more in the church than in almost any other setting. It’s ironic, as we look at the life, ministry and character of Jesus, because we should be the ones doing this better than the rest of the world. We cannot use the need to develop resilience and be able to handle criticism more easily as an excuse for unhealthy, unbiblical or bad behavior in the church. “Getting over” something should not prevent us from setting boundaries for the future. You can grow, forgive and move on while still setting healthy boundaries. For some reason, we struggle to recognize that in the church.
One of the areas where the use of “thicker skin” is perhaps borderline abusive and certainly manipulative and unhealthy is when it comes to the families of pastors, church staff and ministry leaders. Certainly, over my career, I can recount far too many stories of times when my spouse or children were mistreated, and I am not alone. I have listened to the heartbreaking stories of many in ministry as they talk about how those in their congregations have treated their families in a way that was not only unkind, unbiblical and unhealthy, but also would never be allowed or tolerated, let alone excused, in any other setting or system.
As a father and a husband (and those titles are far more important than my title of pastor), I have a strong protective instinct when it comes to my family. Papa Bear does not appear often, but when he does, people know it.
Families, especially kids, are and should be off limits. Not just in the church, but in government, culture, sports, industry, nonprofits, education and basically just everywhere. The last place we should have to say this is in the church, but sadly that is not the case.
Listening to the stories of pastors who have found themselves hurting and broken by the mistreatment of their families is a ministry that I wish did not exist, but sadly it does. These pastors and ministry leaders do not need thicker skins; they need others who will call out bad behavior, congregational systems and cultures that will not tolerate it, boundaries to protect themselves, and people who are not so self-righteous that they would excuse their bad behavior by telling them to “get a thicker skin.”
We can all grow in how we handle criticism, but that growth should not excuse the mistreatment of anyone, especially children.
Dr. Marcus J. Carlson
Executive Director, Preparing for Amazement Ministries
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